Love Part VIII: Self CARE: Ideas, Opinions & Boundaries Oh My....

Click here for Audio

The C in P.E.A.C.E. stands for Caring. Caring in a relationship with another is about caring enough to consider someone’s opinions and ideas as well as respecting their boundaries. How do we turn that inward?

We need to understand that each one of us has an opinion and/or idea about some things. Not necessarily everything, but quite often things cross our path that affect us in some way that would provoke an opinion or idea. When that happens feelings, past experiences and reactions come into play. Somethings may elicit a stronger reaction based on our past experiences or what we can tolerate. Other things may be blasé for us and therefore we don’t form an opinion or idea.

Either way, having an opinion and/or an idea is a gift. It means we are alive, feeling and thinking. Some of us will share depending on the circumstances, others may choose to keep their thoughts to themselves. No matter what our opinions and ideas are valid and ours, whether or not we choose to share. 

Discounting our opinions and ideas is not good. There are times when an idea will pop in our head that is not the best, but that does not mean it is not valid. That not so good idea could lead us to a good idea if we take the time to entertain it. Other times the idea or thought is from left field and is best to let go. I have been known to throw an idea out there to simply get the creative thought process going during brain storming sessions. Some thoughts come from instinct and can spawn an idea to stop something bad from happening.

In a group setting I am careful to protect myself because some people do not get the concept that others have opinions and ideas that are worthy of discussing. Those are the people that roll their eyes or they will whisper to their neighbor or maybe make an attempt to poo poo your idea immediately. Some are so rude they will even try to humiliate you. I have encountered people like this in meetings and because there seems to always be one I will preface my idea or opinion with something like, “this may not be the best idea but I am throwing it out there for consideration or to evolve into something better.” What I am doing is letting the rude people know, I know you are out there, but you and your attitude will not silence me. This sets them back on their heels and opens the door for others to chime in that otherwise may not have.

When an idea or opinion comes to mind depending on the scenario I may or may not say something. When I don’t say something, it is usually something that does not matter to me. For instance, if someone says they really like rugby; I know nothing about rugby, therefore I will not have an opinion and because I have no knowledge of rugby, I won’t have an idea either. Now if someone were to bring up gardening or cooking, I will more than likely have something to say, because I have knowledge and experience with both.

In other words me being impeccable with my words is knowing when to speak up and when to keep it to myself, because somethings are better left unsaid. I try to keep in mind the following:

Now let’s talk about boundaries. Boundaries are a big deal and something we learn as we grow. Some are innate, and pain usually helps us with that, but most are based on experiences or our journey.

Babies have innate boundaries. Such as, when they are hungry or have soiled themselves. They cry to let us know that their threshold for being uncomfortable has been reached and therefore they need to be fed or relieved of the soiled garment.

That being said, being uncomfortable is how I realize some if not most of my boundaries. If somebody says something to me, does something to me or touches me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, that is a boundary for me. Knowing that allows me to respect my boundaries and act upon them appropriately, because they are valid. The first thing I will consider is speaking with the person that did or said what it was to make me feel uncomfortable. If the person is someone I don’t know or pretty much will not see again, I probably would not say much and just keep going if it is something I can let go. If not, then I will say something in a respectful, yet firm way. Now if it is someone I know, depending on the type of relationship, I may or may not say anything. If I value the relationship, I would say something to them in the kindest possible way. I may even start the discussion by saying, “I am going to try to say this in the nicest possible way,” and let them know what they did or said that made me feel uncomfortable and ask them to not do it again very clearly but kindly. If they are a true friend, they will respect my boundary and we will continue to be friends. If they don’t value the relationship they will either cross the boundary again, completely disregarding my boundary or they may slip away and let the relationship go. In that case, in my humble opinion it is better that the relationship does end. Someone disregarding my boundaries is a warning sign for me.

Overall, I believe that my opinions, ideas and boundaries are valid and depending on the circumstances I may or may not share, but in the end,  it is my choice. Have a wonderful week and until the next time Keep it Simple (KiS).