Bullies: What to do with or about them...
The long and short of it is Bullying, in my opinion, is the
exercise of power and control to some degree, over another, simply put it is an
imbalance of power on a consistent basis. Some may take issue with the control
part of my definition, but it depends on the relationship as to how much
control is taken. If it is a casual relationship the control happens when the
bullying is taking place and when the bully is present. In an intimate
relationship the control by the bully for most is constant. Yes, domestic or
dating abusers are bullies.
In some cases, bullies will go after someone they deem to be
less than them. The bully, being as insecure as they are, uses their victim to
momentarily make someone feel worse than the bully does. Misery loves company and
I have yet to meet a bully who wasn’t miserable on some level or another. Then
there are those that jealousy drives their behavior. If someone is better at
something than them, the bully will do what they can to minimize that person. Then
there are those that go after those that are different than them. This really
trips me out, because I find it very hard to understand why someone thinks all
that they are is all that everyone should be. Sorry, but I think I would find
that to be a very boring existence. In either case, the bully has issues and
will inflict on others if not stopped.
Bullying is not just a problem for our children. The
children bullies do grow up to become adult bullies. Bullies are not just found
on the school yard either. I have experienced bullies in the work place, at
sporting events and in my family. Due to the prevalence in my family it was
normalized. Someone had to take the lead, be in control. Which is not a bad
thing. What made it bad in my family is that the control was obtained through
fear and intimidation.
As a child I admittedly bullied my younger siblings and for
that I am deeply sorry. Mostly yelling at them for not listening or doing
something I told them to do. Although, it was what I was taught by actions
towards me from the elders in my life, some I loved, some I couldn’t have cared
less for. It really burnt my muffins when the latter were allowed in to treat
us so poorly. I forgive myself for doing wrong when I didn’t know any better. I’ll
tell you what, it never felt good and I regretted my actions often.
The tables were turned on me in the eight grade when I was
unmercifully bullied by a group of girls I was once friends with. Wow, now that
was Karma for ya…. A bit extreme, but I learned the lesson. I lived in constant fear of being jumped by
those girls. They took every opportunity they could to intimidate and humiliate
me at school. I literally ran home everyday instead of taking the bus. Great
training for long distance running. Maybe that is why I don’t care to run to
this day. At that time I was a flyer. I would do anything I could to be able to
stay home from school. I would plug up my nose with Vaseline or vicks and claim
I was sick. Initially I was told to basically suck it up buttercup, life is not
fair. So very true is all I can say to that. After the many attempts to not go
to school my mother went to speak with the principal and the girls were called
in and told to stop. To the principal they said yes and glared at me and that
is when I knew it was about to get worse and it did. Yet, the principal and my
mother were satisfied with their response.
As the school year continued so did the constant bullying
and I was still running home from school. I had seen them trap people on the
bus in the past and I was not about to let them do that to me. My mom’s husband
at the time was disgusted and basically gave me this bit of advice. He said I
should watch for one of the girls from the group out and about on her own and
kick her ass. Then tell her that if her friends bully me any more I will come
after her again. Now that is some solid advice for you. Uh ya, no…. In any
event he was an elder and nothing else worked, so I did just as he said. As a
matter of fact, one of the girls from the group and her younger sister came
walking down my street soon after this advice. To this day I do not know why
she came down my street that day, but I did approach her with my younger sister
in tow. The two little sisters were the same age. I am not sure if I started
it, but I did intend to get scrappy with her and did I ever. Every bit of fear
I had felt that year came out on her. Her sister being her sister jumped in and
that is when my sister jumped in. I’m not sure how it stopped, but my last
words to her were, you go back and tell your friends to leave me alone or I
will come after you again. Nothing to brutal, no broken bones, a little bit of
blood from a busted lip and a lot of hair was pulled. The sad thing is it
worked and this is when I became a fighter. They left me alone after that. When we got into high school they tried
to spread rumors about me, but they died out quickly and I carried on and made
new friends. That was a very traumatic experience as well as very humbling for
me.
It’s a vicious cycle
and it comes down to abuse of power.
How do we stop them then? The first step is to determine who
the bullies are. Keep in mind bullying comes in many forms: Physical, verbal,
emotional, by exclusion and cyber. Yes,
there are questionnaires, evaluations and quizzes out there that can be
utilized as helpful tools. Check out Stopbullying.gov for loads of information. Then
you have reported cases of bullying. Which should be investigated and dealt
with appropriately. Okay so how do we deal with it appropriately. What I have seen to this day, is not working
simply because people turn a blind eye, they justify it or handle it
incorrectly. What happened in my case still happens. The adults hear what they
want to hear and go on their merry way. Why, because it is easier or maybe they
think the victim deserves it or are afraid themselves. Maybe it has more to do
with the rules/laws and fear of lawsuits. Whatever the reason it is never okay
to not hold someone accountable for bullying behavior. We all deserve to feel
safe and bullies do not bring safe to the party.
So how do we affect change? We need to start with ourselves
first. Be the change we seek and share with others. Lead by example and
explanation. Knowledge is the right kind of power and it is meant to be shared,
not hoarded. Understand that all people and I mean ALL people are human beings
with feelings and a purpose. Therefore, should be treated with respect and
empathy. We differ in everything. No one, not even twins are exactly the same.
So, anyone who thinks or believes they are superior to anyone are the epitome
of an inferiority complex. That is at least how I see it.
Think about it…. I am an executive director, yet Kaity’s Way
is not successful because of me, it is successful because so many of us have
poured our hearts and souls into it and it is necessary. I am in a leadership
role, but that does not make me superior to anyone I work with. It is only when
I encounter a bully, and as a leader I feel it is my duty to protect the
Kaity’s Way crew. Yet, I do not resort to bullying behavior to correct the
behavior. It is not necessary as I know have choices. I have absolutely no
problem having the conversation with the person bullying. I am smart about it
though. I get it, bullies can be intimidating and scary. Therefore, I will
always make sure someone else is present if I feel the least bit like it might
be unsafe to meet with them alone. I will also record the conversation as
bullies can be very cunning and twist things around to suit their position. If
the conversation becomes escalated, I will exercise the option to hit the pause
button and take a break to continue another time. Eventually, the bully will be
given clear direction as to the changes that need to be made. If they choose to
comply, hopefully they will learn from the experience. If they choose not to
then I will move on or give them their walking papers and not have another
thing to do with them. This is on an adult level and bottom line, I get to
decide who is a part of my life. No Bullies Allowed here.
For children I believe the school system needs to revamp
their policies and procedures when it comes to bullies… In a lot of cases the
bullies are not dealt with or dealt with incorrectly. I do not believe
suspending a student then expelling them necessarily is a good approach. I am
not sure why this is acceptable, but it is. When a bully is suspended off
campus, what good does that do? It does keep them away from the victim at
school. Although, there is a pretty good chance that bully is being or has
been bullied in some way by a member of their household. So, yea, suspension
could just be perpetuating the behavior. Expelling a student for bullying is
doing nothing more than sending the problem somewhere else. Have you ever
bought a used car that broke down on you often? The person that had that car
before you got rid of it because of the issues and it became your problem. You gonna get rid of it or fix it? That’s what is being
done with bullies when they are expelled. Tossing them off to be someone else’s
problem to deal with and probably toss off eventually.
Hear is my suggestion and so far, I have only seen one
school in Tucson doing something similar to this. There could be others though.
Yes, it is going to require funds, but aren’t our children worth it. First off
have a presentation on bullying and the ill effects of it and for the students
and parents. Oh yeah, this needs to be a mandatory presentation for all
families to attend. It can be in person or online. The presentation should
exhibit total transparency when it comes to bullying; expectations, suggestions
as to what to do if they feel they are being bullied, how to report, policy and
procedure as well as the consequences. Therefore, everyone has basically been
made aware that bullying is really not tolerated. I mean REALLY not tolerated.
So what should be the consequences. Once there has been a
complaint filed there needs to be an investigation. So protocol will have to be
written up. It should start with speaking with the victim and their family to
get their account of the bullying. Then speak with the alleged bully and their
family for their side of the story. Depending on the interviews and utilization
of an evaluation tool like a lethality review for domestic violence you will
either determine the bullying is true or more investigation needs to be done. Right
now, it is one word against another, but if the victim’s family keeps a journal
and has evidence you may be able to determine there is enough to determine
there has been bullying. At this point, I do not believe closing the case is a
viable option. Due diligence must be exercised in these cases. Further
investigation would include talking with witnesses, checking out both parties’
social media, looking at CCTV if available, etc. Once all the rocks have been
turned over it is then a final determination is made. Has bullying taken place
or not.
Let’s say bullying was not found for now. Steps should be taken to
resolve the situation and come to a clear understanding. Then check in
periodically with both parties to make sure things are progressing in a
positive manner.
Now let’s say, bullying is found to have taken place. This
is shared with both parties and proper measures are taken for the victim’s
safety. A safety plan should be discussed with the victim’s family. Simply
because none of us can predict what someone else is going to do at any given
moment. The bully is then put into a 4R’s program within the school district.
Therefore, they are taken out of the general population of the school as
bullies do pose a threat to others. Bullying is very harmful and should be treated as a capital
offense in the school system, given recent events. What are the 4R’s you may
ask… Reading, wRiting, aRithmetic and RESPECT. This particular class would
require a special skill set for the facilitators. I call them facilitators because they
are not just teaching the curriculum, they are also going to be teaching the
bullies proper life skills and decency towards others.
Essentially, the best candidate comes from a counseling or
social work back ground with teaching experience. It needs to be a synergistic
team of people working with the students. These people must check their egos at
the door. Their task is to empower them
to break the cycle of abuse, help build their self-esteem, understand triggers
and develop coping skills. Oh yeah it is going to be deep and the parents must
commit to meeting with the facilitators periodically. Frequently in the
beginning and as things progress it should taper off. As the student sheds away the bullying they
are met with positive milestones in their progress. Keep in mind, they did not
become a bully overnight, so it is going to take some time to bring them to
fruition, and honestly that is if they and their family are willing to comply.
Also, not everyone learns the same way or at the same pace, so this is not a
one size fits all type of thing. Each student must be treated as an individual
and their cases managed based on the students needs and level of education.
Now the above suggestion was just a broad stroke of an idea.
It will no doubt take a team and time to develop, but it will be worth it in
the end. That said, the biggest push back is going to be benjamins simply
because of the way the system is set up. From the outside looking in, I
understand the reason for the lack of addressing bullying behavior is the
threat of losing a student from their school. Oh yea, a student leaves and the
school looses federal dollars, the benjamins. So, to implement such a program may cause some
parents to pull their children from the school. To them I say, hasta la bye bye.
We really need to let teachers teach, and students learn and our schools be
safe places for our children to learn. I get that everyone is entitled to an
education, but learning does not happen very well if at all in an unsafe
environment. People that don’t understand that, I do not want them anywhere
near my grandchildren or the children I care about. Besides, this mess with
bullying was created long before us, but continues to be perpetuated even in this day and age. So now is the
time to take hold of the situation and become part of the solution rather than part
of the problem.
Since my experience in the eight grade I have always taken
up for the one being bullied. I remember in high school there was this fellow
student Jimmy. He was special needs and there was a time that some football
jocks were teasing him. I knew instantly what they were doing because Jimmy was
acting very anxious, so I went over to him and asked him if he was okay. The
jocks were taunting him and didn’t care too much for me cutting in on them. At
the time I was only 4’11” tall, so I believe they thought they had the one up
on me. Little did they know, I had no idea how small I was, lol…. I basically
told them to leave Jimmy alone or else and told the leader he needed to learn
how to chew gum as he looked like a cow. Maybe the last part was uncalled for,
but every time he chewed I could see his tonsils, yuk…. As we are exchanging
insults, my friends walked up and all was well in the world again. They liked
Jimmy too, so from that day forward we watched out for Jimmy. I also, went to a
couple of the football teams offensive linemen who I considered friends, that
lived down the street from me and let them know what happened and they agreed
to keep an eye out too…. Strength in numbers is what this was. From what I can
remember those guys left Jimmy alone.
I know this blog is super long and lacks pictures, but this topic is so critical and honestly this is probably not the last time I will blog about this. Until next time KiS..... Keep it Simple
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