Love II: Conditional vs. Unconditional
Going back to the dress vs. my children. Obviously we
I have raised five children and each one was, is and became
their own person. All of them have had their issues of trial and tribulations.
Each of them have made choices that didn’t necessarily have the outcome they
expected. As their parent, I have had encounters with each one at one time or
another with anything from substance abuse, sexuality, abuse, disrespect, self
harm, education, etc. No matter what I never ever stopped nor will I ever stop loving
them. I may not have liked what they did or said at one time or another, but I
never ever stopped loving them. Not even when they told me they hated me at one
time or another. To be honest the first time each one said they hated me, it
stung, but I knew they were more frustrated than anything and I was an easy
target. Every time my response to them was to counter with, “I love you.” I
knew for them to grow they were going to have to take the hard road occasionally.
I sincerely hope they know no matter what I am always here when they need me
and that they can depend on forever and ever.
My love for them is not and never will be based on them fitting
a certain mold I created for them. They are who they are because of their DNA,
I am one of their parents and then there is their environment. It would be
foolish of me to think I could define and control their lives. Not to mention
what a drain it would be on me. Goodness, I have a hard enough time defining me
and controlling my life, much less theirs. That’s just silly….
I really struggle with understanding parents that disown
their children because the children do not walk the path they set for them. I
get that they may want what is best for their children, yet especially when
that child becomes an adult, disowning your child because they don’t fit your
mold is very saddening for me. You really cannot get any more conditional than
that. Not to mention, they are deluding themselves thinking they have that kind
of control over another person.
Children love unconditionally. I believe we are born that
way, otherwise why would they be so forgiving. They are so thirsty for the love
of their parents that they will forgive them time and time again for any
indiscretions. In my humble opinion, it is human nature for children to have
this love for their parents. Imagine the confusion a child must feel when what is
natural for them to feel for their parents is not reciprocated. Not
reciprocated because they did not become what their parent wanted them to be or
they chose to walk a different path or maybe just take some time to explore and
learn who they are. None of those are just reasons to disown a child ever.
Some children lose their way and find themselves on a very
slippery slope for one reason or another. It is times like this that we need to
allow them to face the consequences and learn from their mistakes or bad decisions.
In these cases we can be supportive by listening and sharing our experiences or
knowledge, but taking the fall for them or bailing them out is not the answer. On
the flip side, don’t take it personal if they do not follow your teachings, in
the end they get to decide if they want to take that advice. Either way it is
on them, and ultimately their decision.
I know as a parent we worry, but worrying is really just
borrowing trouble. I used to worry a lot, because that is what I learned from
my environment. Looking back now, the reason was lack of faith or insecurities.
Don’t get me wrong I am always concerned about my children, but I don’t worry near
as much because I have faith in the decisions I made in most cases when it came
to them. There were times I did not do or say the right thing, but I always tried
to consider my children and what was best for them when making decisions for
our families. Either way, I have faith that they will in turn try their best
and maybe consider my teachings from time to time.
I know I cannot do anything about other influences in their
lives. If they make me aware of other influences and ask my opinion I will be
honest with them about my thoughts, but it is ultimately up to them. I tried to
raise my children to have their own minds and do what they know is right, even
when no one is looking. For the most part I believe they try to do just that.
This being the reason I do not worry or try to rule their lives. With that I am
going to conclude this blog and wish you a Great week and remember to Keep it
Simple (KiS).
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