No: Can be very uncomfortable for some

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No, probably one of the most universal words that has the same meaning in most languages. Yet, for some it is a very uncomfortable word to say. Then there are those that don't accept no as an answer very well. This was addressed in a former blog I put out in October, "No: Can you handle it." So, we will address those that don't like to say No. 

Being comfortable with declining or saying No is an important step in maturing and taking care of ourselves. The inability to decline or say No, could be devastating for a child. I am thinking this societal conditioning is one of the reasons we have children being violated and abused. 

We are all born with the ability to sense energy or vibes. Children and animals are seriously tuned into this, but societal conditioning has made those children doubt themselves as they get older. That is such a shame and robs us of one of our natural defenses. Children and animals can easily pick up on negative vibes and usually don't have an issue expressing themselves, until someone chastises them for it. In turn they are being taught not to trust themselves, self doubt. What a miscarriage of guidance. 

Instead we need to help our children to be comfortable with saying No or declining to do or take part in something. Help them understand their feelings matter and be patient with them. Think about it, have you ever had an uneasy feeling, but could not put your finger on what the issue was. You just know that something does not feel right. You were not able to describe it, but you felt it, therefore it existed. Now imagine that someone is in your face insisting you explain why you have that feeling. Or say that feeling brings you to tears, and someone says to you, "keep it up and I'll give you something to cry about!" So now it is about you, never mind their feelings. That is exactly what is happening. Ask yourself, "who truly wants to cry, suffer from anxiety or feel like they are unsafe?" 

What I am getting at, is as parents and guardians we need to get over ourselves and work with the child. Help them by showing some compassion and empathy. Give them a hug, acknowledge their feelings and be patient. Remove them from the situation if necessary but chastising and humiliating them does not help on any level and it really is not about you or ruining your day. That child is struggling and needs your help. Help them navigate through it. Let them be a part of the solution. Work with them to articulate what needs to be said if anything needs to be said. 

A couple of months ago I saw something unfold between two kids. #1 wanted #2 to have a sleep over. They slept over at #1's house and  #2 said that she wanted #1 to spend the night with her the following weekend. #1 said sure, but when the next weekend came up #1, changed her mind and said she didn't want to spend the night at #2's house. After talking with #1 it was found that #1 never intended to spend the night, she just didn't want to hurt #2 feelings and was afraid #2 would not stay the night if she did not say yes. I was concerned by this as I found the behavior to be dishonest and manipulative. #1 was raised in an environment that she was not allowed to say No. She had to comply and her thoughts did not count. She utilized what she lived and learned. 

I sat #1 down and worked with them to understand how being dishonest is not kind and only made it worse on #2, by giving her a false sense of hope. She felt bad, but clearly did not know that her actions would hurt #2 so much. We continue to work with #1, because she did not get that way over night, so one lesson is not going to do it. 

What to do..... First, we need to accept the fact that children have a choice and a voice. That is not to say that whatever choice they make is going to be right. What it is, is an opportunity to guide the child properly. Ask them why they made that choice, heck you may learn something. Get a better understanding of their thought process. Then as a trusted adult help them understand the possible outcomes for their decision. It doesn't matter if the outcome is negative or positive. Evaluating the pros and cons with them helps them to get in the habit of thinking things through and will evolve into asking themselves the same questions before you do.

In that moment you are capitalizing on so much. First off, they have your undivided attention and for a child this is epic. Then they get to see how brilliant you are, and you get to see the same in them. Oh, and the trust that comes from an understanding balanced conversation with your mini you, is insurance they will go to you in the future. It is a win win! It doesn't cost a thing, the quality time is priceless and your child has a fighting chance in the doggy dog world we live in. 

Have a wonderful week and remember to Keep it Simple (KiS)....